After a short roll across the harbor bridge I walked my bike under the Ironman banner. That was a special moment for me. It was a little bitter-sweet, because with other similar experiences (playing live music at iconic venues with my older brother, and unloading a roadracing machine at Daytona International Speedway with my younger brother) I was alone. I wanted to share the excitement, anxiety, and fear with someone who 'gets it'. That didn't happen...until later. I did, however, get an amazing feeling of "Wow, I'm actually here!" that came over me. That in itself raised my heart rate. Then, trying to re-focus on the task at hand, I got my nutrition sorted out, marked up my legs with my good luck markings, then really put on my race-face.
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Smiled on by Paula Pezzo | |
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Years back, I was a bit of a mess, but somehow through the pain that I always managed to prescribe myself, I could always hear my Grandmother's voice saying. "Ok!" Not so much in a tone of satisfaction or conviction, but in a tone as if to say, "OK! Well, I'm not sure what's next, but you're gonna be OK!" When I raced my biggest race (up to that point of my life) I wrote "OK", in Sharpie marker, on my right thigh. This way, when I was really suffering...I could hear that voice and somehow find peace. This time though, things were different. I wasn't a mess. I was focused. And although I still heard the comfort of my Grandmother's voice in my head, I had a more important, less self centered motivation; my wife, Adrianne, and my young sons, Michael and Jeffrey. I'd only heard of the dreaded "Mount Mother F@#ker" on blog posts I'd read, but I knew that I'd find strength, when the moment came to dig deep, in the reminders sketched onto my thighs .
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My motivation; to be better. |
So, leg's inked up, I was off to get my numbers, then into my wetsuit. Wait! Do I leave my jersey on? Yea, yea! I saw that on some races I watched on YouTube, right?. Ok...wait...no! Wait, can I wear my heart rate monitor strap into the water? MAN! What am I even doing here? So, monitor strap on, jersey on, slow down...what else do I need. Go through what you visualized so many times and don't forget anything. Slow down. Sunscreen! I know you put it on, but do it again. This is going to be a long day. One last trip to the 'boys room', and I was ready.
Oceanside is a wave start, so we lined up in waves; 24 waves in all. I was in the 23rd. OH MAN! Really? Am I going to be the last guy on the course? What if everyone behind me is faster than me? They probably are! Who the F@#& does a 70.3 without loads of triathlon experience. What a dork! "It's OK". Like Macca wrote about in his book,
I'm here to win! you've filled your head with memories of success. When it hurts, you know you can push through because you've done it in training so many times. You deserve to be here! Enjoy it! If you're last, you're last. Enjoy it."
Before I knew it, the leaders were coming out of the water! They'd swam 1.2 miles already, and I'm 5 minutes away from even getting my toes wet. But then it was time. "OK, you can go!" said the volunteer at the bottom of the boat ramp. So I took to the water. My first few breaths were very, very shallow. It was bloody cold. Cold like instant head ache cold. I remember Macca talking about getting yourself acclimated to the water so I immediately took off for the start line about 150 yards away. A bit of a sprint to get loosened up and get into race mode. My brand new (to avoid fogging) goggles immediately filled with salt water. They fit exactly as my previous ones did, but...the leaked. So I stalled out and got my goggles and swim caps sorted out. "Think calm. Think gliding. Think peace. You've got this." was going through my head. My goal: 32 minutes.
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On dry land. |
The gun went off and I started swimming my race; calm, smooth, and steady. About 45 seconds in I was gasping for air; actually gasping. "Calm down." I told myself. "You're fit. Just feel that glide. Breath every two if you need to." But it never came...ever. This swim was the worst experience I've ever had in the water. If my family hadn't been so supportive, I'd have given up 400 yards in. That's the truth. Breast stroke, side stroke, freestyle...gasping. Breast stroke...freestyle again...gasping. I never swam really swam. I never found my rhythm. After what felt like an hour, I finally got out of the water and ran up the ramp thinking, "Thank GOD I got out of the water and I'm I can get onto my bike."
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Climbing out of T1 |
I actually did have a smile on my face as I ran with my wetsuit pulled down to my waist. "It's a new day." I thought to myself. "I can handle this!" T1 was LONG for me. I just took my time and made sure I was ready for what might be a 4 hour ride. Needless to say, I'm not fast. Nutrition, Sunscreen, other...uh...necessities, like Dave Zabriskie's "
DZ Nuts!" I didn't want to miss anything and pay for it later, so I took my time. I finally got on the bike and rolled! I remembered some of the MaccaX crew telling me not to get sucked into the easiness of the 1st half of the ride, or the 2nd half would make me pay. I heeded that warning, and found success. Several of the athletes on their $8,000-$10,000 bikes that got out of the water behind me passed me like I was parked. It didn't phase me a bit. I remembered a comment that, Francesco, one of Macca's crew posted on our Facebook group; "Andy, it doesn't take a special bike! It takes special legs, and you've got 'em." Most, of these big dollar bikes I re-passed on the 2nd half of the course. Guys with fancy tri-bikes, once piece suits, areo helmets, and all the high tech stuff were grabbing their hamstrings, stuck on the side of the road at the steepest point of the ride. For me, I was doing all I could to hang with this guy from Mexico on an old steel bike....wearing sneakers! He had special legs too! Over the last 12 miles I didn't get passed at all and easily and comfortably passed 80-100 athletes over the 30 minutes before getting to T2. Oceanside is a beautiful race. The bike leg is a dream ride. Quiet, safe, fun, and challenging.
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Heading into T2 |
T2! I'm gonna make it! I cruised into T2 feeling fantastic! It wasn't a fast ride, but to be honest, I'd only run 13.1 miles twice in my life, neither time was very pretty. My goal was to show up to the run with a fresh mind, body, and soul. I did just that! "Ok, sit down, socks, more sunscreen, more DZ Nuts, more nutrition, Salt Stick tablets, glasses, compression socks, number belt, Macca visor (with a little tiny bit of pride), shoes" and I was on my way. My plan was to walk to T2 exit. I did that. Then an easy jog. My 10k pace is 9min/mi. Anything near that would be great...for me. 1st mile was all smiles. I feel fantastic. I feel pretty fast. I don't want to change anything because I feel fantastic. Then, 400 yards later...it hit again. The gasping that I felt in the morning's swim! It was JUST like when I was in the water. I could go as slowly as I wanted, but I could NOT catch my breath? "Don't walk, just run slowly and smoothly! If you start to walk...you'll keep walking. Just be smooth and steady!"
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Jeffrey (5) and Michael (7) - Team Daddy |
I ran, more and more slowly. I was really uncomfortable, and only about 2 1/2 miles in. Holy crap! This is gonna suck! My heart rate was very low, but I couldn't breath! Then...just then...boom! My wife and kids were there! I almost cried! I was so excited to see them all. Adrianne had made shirts for the boys. "Team Daddy!" I heard them screaming with their eyes wide open. Their eyes were wide open! They had smiles bigger than I'd ever seen! "GO DADDY!" they all screamed! I jogged over to them and hugged them all!Then I remembered. I've got about 10 miles left. This could be a long day still. But what a lift they gave me! They were out there for me! Mommy, Michael, and Jeffrey! Man...that's love! I set off again, jogging away with buckets of motivation. "GO DADDY, GO!" I could hear them as I turned to run up the hill. Then out of the corner of my eye, I could see them running kitty-corner across the parking lot to the other corner. Laughing loudly, running, and screaming "We love you Daddy!" My heart was full.
I made the turn away from the family and found a bit of a rhythm. A couple minutes later, a guy came buy me and smiled. "So. You must be Daddy!" "Yep!" I replied. "I'm feelin' pretty rich right now."
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Built more for rugby or MMA than endurance, but I love this sport. |
The run went on, continuing south for what felt like forever. I'm still struggling with my breathing but, if I really bring my pace to a crawl, I'll be OK. We went onto another street, away from the ocean, and I thought, "Am I 5 miles in? Am I 8 miles in?" Then to the turn around. "Ok, I'm headin' back now." A couple of guys were just to my side when I heard one say to his partner, "Dude! This is 2 loops?" "Yeah." was the response. "Oh F@#%!" was the reply back. Exactly my thoughts. "Wait. Wait! I'm not even half way done? Oh my. My family is sitting on the side of the road and I'm in trouble. I have more than 7 miles to go. At this point, who knows how long that is going to be." Then came the walk. The news that I was still so far away just sucked the soul out of me. I did a little walk jog, then some more running. "Andy! Andy! It's Milhouse! You're doing it! You're really doing it!", came from the other side; lap 2. I crossed into the oncoming lane and stole a hug and a high-five from another one of Macca's crew. It brought me back. "Focus. Yea! If I just saw him, I'll see him again on his way back, plus I have my family...on the way back out...and at the finish! I can do it!"
Back to start finish. "Ok, I'm half way there." I then stumbled upon a guy that was in about the same physical and emotional condition I was. We ran silently, side by side, for about 5 minutes. Finally, I broke the silence. I needed to get my head somewhere else, and I hoped I wasn't interfering with his Zen moment. "So why are you here, mate?" I said, with the rhythm of my breathing breaking up the question. The guy turned to me and I noticed,...no hair...no eyebrows. I wondered if, in a selfish moment, I'd stepped somewhere I shouldn't have. The gentleman told me that he'd just lost his best friend to cancer. He'd shaved his head, beard, and eyebrows off, in honor of his fallen mate. "Whew! That's great friend! Great motivation. I'm sure your friend is smiling!" "Yep! I can...feel him." he said with a tear in his eyes. So why are you here?" he asked me. "Yea...well..." Nothing came out. "Things...I...well....things have been..." I couldn't even get the words out. After a very long pause, "...hard. I'm just really, really happy to be here and proud to run next to you." I couldn't bring myself to share the seas of struggles, the mistakes, the broken heartedness, the injuries, and the self disappointment that I'd endured to get hear. I was doing Ironman California 70.3, and I'd just started lap two. It hit me again. "I'm on the last lap! That means there's no way out...but to finish!"

Finally, with some friendly chats, some deeper than others, and cheers from Milhouse and my family, I saw the finish line. Again, I'd visualized this in my head 100 times; 1,000 times. I was going to grab my MaccaX visor in my right hand, and the picture of my family in the other, and reach my goal; I finished. 6:55. A long day. A stunning, beautiful, and life improving day.
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The 1st will always be special |
I crossed the line into the arms of my wife and kids. I did something good. I showed our boys that if you try hard enough; if you never, ever give up, you can do whatever you want.
Motorsports was easy for me. Going fast was natural. This, Ironman; it's really, really hard for me. The boys picked up a habit. They'd ask me, every night, after reading bedtime stories and brushing their teeth, "Daddy! Are you going swimming now?" "Yep!", I'd say. "Wow! You're going to be fast Daddy! I think you're going to win!" I would simply reply, "I'm going to try boys. I'm going to try."
That afternoon, I was aching, but still all smiles. Aches fade. We'd stood in the Oceanside surf for about an hour after the race, watching the kids splash and be kids, while blissfully allowing my muscles to enjoy the comfort of the ice cold water. Then we ate. I ate like I'd never eaten before. I just wanted to eat everything! Then we were off to the hotel. Again, Adrianne's support was evident. I got to soak in an ice bath. The boys were well cared for...and I just soaked it all up. I received calls from my brothers and sister, and my folks too. My cell phone was blowing up with text messages from people who'd followed my progress online. I was so happy. I
am so happy.
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Unforgettable |
Finally, about 9:30 or 10 PM, I got up to tuck in our boys and to thank them for being there with me. I told them how thankful I was that they were there to share this special day with me. Our son Jeffrey (5) said, (and I'll never, ever forget this...)
"It's OK Daddy! You did your best! Thank you for winning a medal." Then to my 7 year old son, Michael. "Dad, I wanted to tell you something. I wanted to tell you that
I'll never, ever forget putting that medal around your neck." Then he gave me a hug; the kind you don't forget.
You know, people sometimes ask why I would put myself through so much to do this in the first place? To me...I think...
...how could I not?